Tag Archives: Daily Update

Because There’s Nothing More Rational Than Brownies

From my kitchen.

From my kitchen. Yes, that’s a chart of the female muscular system. It makes me think of tasty food, what can I say?

We have 2 potlucks to attend this weekend, and we need food to take. Jenny has also had the amazing idea of making three batches of brownies with our three kinds of cocoa powder. The solution? Three batches of brownies for a compare/contrast! Hellllllooooo lunch!

Now, I know I’ve talked about not eating too much sugar right now. I get it. I don’t want diabetus. Because nope. However, getting to have 3 different kinds of brownies almost feels like I’m getting six brownies (because different means more specialer, right?). So, there’s nothing more rational that saying “scratch lunch, eat brownies.”

So that’s what I’m doing. Updates on how they taste will have to wait. For now, be jealous of my flavor adventure. Or go make some brownies and send me a few. Fill your boots.


I’m Proud of You — Thanks for the Letter

Image: Rory Brsitol

Image: Rory Bristol

The internet can be a weird place. It is like a huge sandbox the size of the entire human existence and then some. People can find community, solace, and a voice through the web. Today, I received a letter. It was hand-typed on gorgeous sepia paper. Its message was simple: Keep doing what you’re doing.

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I Cooked a Fucking Steak


Image: Rory Bristol

Sunday, we went to the store. Jenny got me to go by agreeing that I could have donuts, which is often the only way to get my out of the house. Just kidding. I mean, I did get donuts, shame on me. But I do leave the house for other things. Sometimes. God Dammit. What was I going to talk about?

Oh, yeah, thanks, helpful title!

We found a really nice sale at our local butcher’s, and ended up getting many, many pounds of steak. Most of it was promptly frozen, to stave off crazy meat prices in the winter, but I got to have steak for dinner, and it was awesome.

Of course, I don’t have anything resembling a grill anymore. My camp stove was re-homed after its 2-years-in-the-closet anniversary. So I turned to the wonderful world of the Internet. I was gonna google “How do I cook a fucking steak?” And NO FUCKING SHIT, DUDES, MY WIFE SENT ME TO THIS:

Screenshot of TheAwl.com

Screenshot of TheAwl.com

Some wonderful, perverse person, named Alex, wrote the most profane description of cooking a steak, and it was exactly what I needed. You can find it on TheAwl.com. I had to try it. I followed the directions exactly, even avoiding “garlic or onion powder or COMPOUND FUCKING BUTTER, asshole” just like I was told. Good boy, Rory. Good boy.

If I ever need to be taken down a peg, I can be, thanks to the aggressive and derogatory narrative. I actually stuck my tongue out at the screen all “So there, ha” at a fucking recipe, because God, I’m weird. It also felt really good. Like, I-suddenly-feel-less-anxious good.

I followed his extremely simple plan, and made some amazing-ass steak. Jenny didn’t think it was as “amazing-ass” as I did, but she’s allowed to be wrong sometimes. Today, I’m avoiding making more, and not-so-secretly hoping that the leftover 6 oz. steak in the fridge might be claimed by yours truly.

Go cook a fucking steak. Then tell me about it, ’cause I wanna know!

Chocolate Is Magic

Image: Rory Bristol

Image: Rory Bristol

Seriously guys, chocolate is magic. With this oily crud, I can convince all kinds of people to like me. Problem at work? No problem, address it head-on, by taking a basket of chocolate to the HR manager, and bring my complaint up during conversation. She knows it’s a bribe, but she doesn’t give two shits.

I don’t like it as much as everyone else does, but that’s okay. When I offer someone my share of the chocolate, I always get the “HOW THE FUCK DON’T YOU LOVE CHOCOLATE?!?!?!” look, but then I remind them that it’s more chocolate for them. I cannot tell you how many dessert-buddies I have fostered over the years.

This is also great for a big reason: I can let my kids have dessert, and not feel left out. They have chocolate, good for them. I’ll eat a can of olives and call it good. This is the best diet tool ever. When I’m trying to lose weight, I encourage people who must have dessert around me to have chocolate. I can gleefully talk about whatever the hell I want while everyone else is stuffing their mouths. It can really help my anxiety.

If you are inclined to lay dessert at my doorstep, avoid these things:

  • Chocolate
  • Artificial Vanilla
  • Mint
  • Cake
  • Ice Cream
  • Cheese (Particularly Brie)

If you really want to make me happy, bring me these things:

  • Peanut Butter
  • Anything Covered By or Covering Peanut Butter, Including Chocolate
  • Nougat
  • Cookies
  • Butterscotch
  • Molasses anything

Of course, I don’t expect anyone to send me treats, because I’m on a diet. My dad lost an amazing 40 pounds this year, which allowed him to have his first knee replacement. I’m trying to honor my body in order to prevent the need for such surgeries. So I’m trying to lose 20 pounds or so.

In any case, I have a message for aliens who want to abduct our species and/or invade parasitically: Use chocolate. Lots and lots of chocolate. I’ll hide somewhere else, and watch the world burn while I eat a lifetime supply of peanut products. Hooray for mass produced peanut butter!

Trivial Pursuit

Image in the public domain.

Image in the public domain.

I finally won my first game of Trivial Pursuit! In your face, past Me! Booya.

I was excited until Jenny pointed out that I beat our kids at Trivial Pursuit Junior. Well, shit. Now I’m feeling slightly less awesome.

No. Screw that. I had fun, and that’s all that matters. My wife and kids played a game with me, and it wasn’t for work, or for anyone else. Just us. I call that a win, any day.

Code Monkey

"Monkey-typing" by New York Zoological Society - Public Domain

“Monkey-typing” by New York Zoological Society – Public Domain

Sorry for the earworm, but seriously. My yesterday revolved around cleaning and coding. The coding part is for a programming class to learn how to design Minecraft servers. I want to create an interactive place for me and the kids to play with different rules and stuff, all while never having to worry about griefers and trolls. Most servers also have pay-to-win options, or features you cannot access without buying passes, or participating in forums for the server.

I spent hours watching tutorials and following directions. It was interesting, boring, exciting, and a little underwhelming as well. There was so much to keep track of. I’m actually learning Java, and I don’t have to worry too much about it being perfect. If there are errors, they are mine, and nobody else has to point them out.

As you can see, I had a normal day. No crying, no anger, no anxiety medicine. Just a calm day. I call that progress.

P.S. Now I have that fucking song stuck in my head, again! 

P.P.S. [Edit] Got it out, thank God for Britney Spears!