Christmas Belongs in December

Image: Rory Bristol

Image: Rory Bristol

It’s that time of year again. I go to the store, look for some Halloween stuff. And motherfucker, wouldn’t you know, in the week between back-to-school sales and today, Christmas invaded EVERYTHING.

What the fuck happened to Halloween?

I get it. Wonderful people, including Jenny, love themselves all the Christmas they can get. And that’s fucking great. But I wanna see coffins, tombstones, blood, and haunted fucking houses. I want to celebrate the annual reminder that candy is unhealthy, strangers can kill you, and death is something to be respected, accepted, and not feared.

I cherish the yearly opportunity to watch people engage in the community. I love it when we crazy people can go out and be weird, without anyone’s laughter haunting us. I want to go down the street in my pajamas, and people think I’m trying t0 look this way.

I also want to walk down the Halloween aisle, and be scared shitless by a moving hand or a screaming witch statue. That’d be nice.

Also? I’d love for it to be a little cold outside before the faux snowflakes hit the shelves.

It’s still fucking Summer, douchebags!

Let the Harvest begin. Let the nights get shorter. Let our ever-shrinking respect for death get a booster shot. Let me have a great excuse to jump out at random strangers and scare the shit out of them. Let me follow teenagers around and yell at them for being dicks. Let me send my minions to other people’s houses to get candy for I, the Great and Gluttonous Gob!

I just want all of my fucking holidays. Is that too much to ask?

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