Chocolate Is Magic

Image: Rory Bristol

Image: Rory Bristol

Seriously guys, chocolate is magic. With this oily crud, I can convince all kinds of people to like me. Problem at work? No problem, address it head-on, by taking a basket of chocolate to the HR manager, and bring my complaint up during conversation. She knows it’s a bribe, but she doesn’t give two shits.

I don’t like it as much as everyone else does, but that’s okay. When I offer someone my share of the chocolate, I always get the “HOW THE FUCK DON’T YOU LOVE CHOCOLATE?!?!?!” look, but then I remind them that it’s more chocolate for them. I cannot tell you how many dessert-buddies I have fostered over the years.

This is also great for a big reason: I can let my kids have dessert, and not feel left out. They have chocolate, good for them. I’ll eat a can of olives and call it good. This is the best diet tool ever. When I’m trying to lose weight, I encourage people who must have dessert around me to have chocolate. I can gleefully talk about whatever the hell I want while everyone else is stuffing their mouths. It can really help my anxiety.

If you are inclined to lay dessert at my doorstep, avoid these things:

  • Chocolate
  • Artificial Vanilla
  • Mint
  • Cake
  • Ice Cream
  • Cheese (Particularly Brie)

If you really want to make me happy, bring me these things:

  • Peanut Butter
  • Anything Covered By or Covering Peanut Butter, Including Chocolate
  • Nougat
  • Cookies
  • Butterscotch
  • Molasses anything

Of course, I don’t expect anyone to send me treats, because I’m on a diet. My dad lost an amazing 40 pounds this year, which allowed him to have his first knee replacement. I’m trying to honor my body in order to prevent the need for such surgeries. So I’m trying to lose 20 pounds or so.

In any case, I have a message for aliens who want to abduct our species and/or invade parasitically: Use chocolate. Lots and lots of chocolate. I’ll hide somewhere else, and watch the world burn while I eat a lifetime supply of peanut products. Hooray for mass produced peanut butter!

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