This post is a big deal. I could do a metric ton of lead up, but I know what you really want:
The first and last (but not only) thing you need to know about mental illness is that it LIES.
Yesterday, I felt like I’m not crazy. For the first time in my life, it occurred to me that I don’t need drugs. It felt surreal that someone as smart, funny, and (yes I’ll say it) sexy as I am could be crazy.
IT’S A FUCKING LIE, AND I WON’T LISTEN, DAMNIT!
Hi, I’m Rory, and I’m bat-shit crazy. But I like it that way. Every day is a new adventure. Jenny never knows what to expect, and she loves – no – likes – no – puts up with it just fine!
Also, isn’t this an awesome selfie? I haven’t shaved in days, and I combed my hair weird trying to cover up my non-existent bald spot that people keep saying I have. I think I look like Britney Spears in her “Growing it back out” phase.
It’s a crazy bus we’re on, and I’m the fucking driver. So get in, sit down, shut up, and HOLD ON! (Seriously, my bus driver in Jr. High had that bumper sticker on his bus—classic.)
In any case, I love you guys, and I love that I write this blog. It makes me feel so connected to all of you, even if you only read this so you can tell your kids that they aren’t completely-fucked-up-cause-look-at-this-weirdo. I love you too!
Have a good one folks, and remember: Drugs make you feel good. That doesn’t mean you stop taking those cock-suckers!
PS, your kid really might be fucked up. Don’t compare anyone to me, their experiences are their own, and their tragedies feel just as bad to them as mine felt to me. More on that later.
PPS, I just realized I swore a lot in this post. I’m not drunk, or anything. I just think it’s important that you remember all that shit up there, so I added emphasis! (See what I did there?)
PPPS, I just realized what shirt I’m wearing there…. There is no pattern. I hate looking at it, which is why I wear it. Then I get to subject all of my friends to the endless torment that is “trying to figure that shit out.” BWAHAHAHAHAHA
Okay, fuck the postscript shit. There’s just more to this post.
First of all, Jenny read this and was all, “Are you manic?” and I was all, “No, I’m making fun of myself, have you met me?”
Secondly, we had a heated debate that nearly ended in a slap-bet, except we didn’t have a slap-bet commissioner. So we Googled it instead. Apparently, there is a grammar rule for “on” a vehicle or “in” said vehicle. If it’s a car, taxi, etc., you are “in” it, because you got DOWN IN it. If it’s a plane, train, or bus, you get “on” it, because you are stepping up. I still can’t figure out if you get “on” or “in” a boat. The rule is muddled here. Anybody wanna be commissioner?
Then we had it out over whether it is “slap-bet” or “slap bet”. Turns out it is “slap bet“. Spoiler alert.