First of all, I’m doing NaNoWriMo this year. For the month of November, I’ll be working on my novel a LOT. This may mean my posts here are a little spare sometimes, but I promise I will still make this blog a priority.
Secondly, I hate my brain.
This morning I had nightmares about me being a bad person. I know, it’s not the kind of dream most people have, but I have that one every once in a while. Last night, I was a drunk bastard. I walked around the house naked in front of my step-kids. I threw things. I was a bully. I made my problems everyone else’s emergency.
In short, I was my step-father.
Worst dream ever. I woke up feeling guilty, broken, alone, and, well, evil. I am not anxious. I am not obsessive or depressed. I just hate myself this morning. I am so afraid of who I might become, who I might have been. I keep grinding my teeth this morning, and clenching my jaw. I am angry, and irrational. I asked Jenny to reschedule our tasks for today, so that I don’t have to leave the house. I am ashamed.
I know that it was just a dream. But it was so fucking real. And it could have been the truth if I were just a little different. If I had kept drinking, or had done drugs. If I had been a little less afraid of how I treated my ex-husband. If I had less respect for myself, and God.
I know, it sounds cheesy to invoke God in what is obviously something within my control. But I know I am blessed. Something bigger than me showed me how to live. The right combination of books, friends, pastors, and neighbors; those are who taught me that my parents were wrong. They are who taught me chivalry, self-respect, honesty, and what love really means. In short – I owe my entire personality to the happenstances of my life. That is where I see God.
I know I’m not a bad person. Jenny is quick to remind me of that every day. I love my family, and I am learning to love myself. I’m just scared, and that makes me angry. It makes me feel broken. But I’m not, and I will be okay.
I love you guys. Today, please remember that you are special, and that your life isn’t dictated by others. You can choose who to be, just like I did.