Sitting here, crying my eyes out, I wonder why I haven’t killed myself. I have dreamt, wished and planned. I have tried. But I’ve never succeeded, thankfully. But it occurs to me: Why am I not dead yet? It struck me today; I participate in the slowest, most painful form of suicide possible. Living.
I don’t mean to sound like some broken emo song. Though, I would probably be a good song writer, if it came down to it. It’s just that, thinking about the world in terms of my life shrinking every day helps me deal with the fact that I’m still alive.
It’s funny, because for most people, thinking about their long life makes it easier to die, but for me, thinking about dying someday helps me deal with the fact that I am physically healthy. Of course, this comes with the caveat that if I do anything to improve my health, then I am actively working on living longer.. and gosh, that’s depressing. It is, however, a bitch of a hard spot to be in, since living healthier is one of the best treatments for any mental health issue.
I do little things that fall somewhere in between. I make sure I eat a balanced diet whenever I can, but I never agonize over an extra taco, or a TastyKake (btw, they are better than Hostess.. try them out). I also excuse it when I eat a pan of Jell-O for breakfast, by adding fruit juice to it instead of water.. more sugar, more vitamins (kinda) what could be wrong with that, right? At least I’m getting enough calories in my day. These little things make it so that, no matter how healthy I am, I am always doing something to shorten my miserable existence by a fraction of a minute at a time.
Of course, I do have bursts of awesome happy super energy, but those can be a bit rare, and are always sporadic. Mania seems to help me not want to die so much, but I spend that time hating my life instead, most of the time. I don’t really want to die when I’m manic, but I sure am ticked that I have to deal with living!
I’ve honestly run out of points, although I know there was more to it when I sat down. I just wanted to say thank you, to you all. I write here for myself more than anything else, but I have gotten so much feedback recently. I want you all to know that I appreciate it when you like my posts, or share them with your friends. Some of you might have noticed that I’ve hit 150 likes on Facebook, and this is possible because of you, my loyal readers. You sharing my work with others has made it possible for me to reach so many new people. I have followers in over 50 countries! I know I am helping people, because you all let me know when I’ve made a difference. Thanks again for helping me love what I do.