So, I was at the hospital.

I’m sure you’ve all heard by now that I’m home, and safe. But I don’t think anyone knows exactly why I went to the hospital. I’m going to be very frank here. If you don’t want to hear some serious talk about a deep place I was in, stop reading now.

Still with me? You are braver than I could expect of anyone. Last chance. Okay, you are still here… and I have to actually say it, for many reasons. I wanted to kill myself. I had several serious plans in mind. I wanted to hang myself, but I didn’t want the kids to find me. I then started making plans to find a local water source to drown myself in, but I knew Jenny would send the police out looking for me, the second she realized I was gone without talking to her first. I considered overdosing, and walking into the woods nearby, hopefully preventing family from finding my body… but as we all know (or should) overdosing is MESSY, and UNRELIABLE. I wouldn’t ever suggest it… even though I had plenty of medication, and opportunity to do it, myself.

I dwelled on this for four days. FOUR! I still can’t believe that. I had warned Jenny that something was up on the first day, Saturday of last week. She was wary, and watched me very closely, for which I am so thankful I cannot express. I never told her how serious my thoughts were. I never told her a single plan. I finally broke on Tuesday. Jenny asked me, very frankly, and without judgement (take notes, family of the mentally ill!) if I needed to go to the hospital. I couldn’t say no. I couldn’t say yes. I finally said that since I couldn’t definitely say no, that I had a responsibility to my family to do the responsible thing.

Checking myself in, for the second time for suicidal ideations, was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I talked to an extremely caring group of health care professionals, expressing thoughts that I didn’t have the courage to express to Jenny when I was at home. I totally spilled guts. Specifically, I told all this to staff while Jenny was there. I was told in no uncertain terms that I would be admitted to a psychiatric hospital for an extensive evaluation.

The first night of my stay was the second hardest, and it really tore me up. I gave more information to that poor nurse (I will call him George, and I will hug him and pet him and squeeze him..) than I have ever told a single living soul. I told him about my abusive stepfather. I told him about my raging drug addicted mother. I told him about sexual abuse, and a 20+year history of abusive relationships with nearly every adult person I had the unpleasant distinction of having lived with. I poured out my heart and soul.

I told him about the nearly constant hallucinations that I’ve had since I can remember, but was too embarrassed to tell anyone about before Jenny. Of course, I never told her how serious those were either.

After the routine of having me change into scrubs, and remove all my jewelery, I was sent to bed. I had been up only about 12 hours, but I seriously needed the rest anyway. As I waited for the Ativan to kick in, I listened to George debrief the other staff on my situation. I have never heard anyone speak of me with so much caring and compassion. Remembering it right now, for the first time, my eyes are filled with tears, and I am typing fairly blind. I have never felt so humble, and honored before. I will never be able to thank that man enough.

That’s it for now. I fell asleep pretty promptly, the anti-anxiety meds doing their job to help me get the rest I was so desperate for. I will fill you all in on future days soon, while it’s as fresh as possible.

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6 thoughts on “So, I was at the hospital.

  1. judy berna

    This is so brave. I am a friend of Jennys and dont know you. But I respect you with my whole entire heart. You’ve lived through a lot and life tends to be about coping with the way the world has treated us. I’m so glad you had a caring staff to meet you at the hospital. I’m so glad you have caring friends (and Jenny) to be there for you. Hugs to you, my new friend. You are in my heart and prayers.

    Reply
  2. Matthew

    It was great to see you yesterday, if even for 2 seconds. I’m very proud of you for letting yourself out to someone. Nurse or not, that is not an easy thing to do. 🙂

    Reply
  3. Donald Stark

    Hi Robert. At this point i am not sure what i want to say. But i am sure of one thing. You are my grandson and i love you. Also am very glad you got help. Wish we could be closer, but i know little of your life. I loved your father so much, i am still hurting. But the main thing now is for you to continue getting help. I know we do not agree on a lot of things. But facebook keeps me informed .Again i love you. Your grandfather Donald

    Reply
  4. Pingback: The Rest of the Stay. | Terminally Intelligent

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